I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
