This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
