im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
