it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Pooping to opera.
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