This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
