Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
