Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
