i just google imaged poop.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
