I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
