I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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