How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
