note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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