you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
