i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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