i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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