There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
