I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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