I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
