everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
