Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
