I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
