There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
