You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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