I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
