The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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