This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
