laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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