u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
