I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
