I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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