Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
