Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
