haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
