I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
