his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
