i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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