so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
