I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
