he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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