she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
