Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
