nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
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WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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