theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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