i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I want is dick and wine.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
