community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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