I didn't shave. On purpose
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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