I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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