capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
