remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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