I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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