I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
