Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
