I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
