I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
