If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
