Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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