Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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