BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
