I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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