The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She bit a glass in half.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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