he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
